


Plum Crazy

by nozenfordaddy (fenna_girl)



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-19
Updated: 2010-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-13 18:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/140494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenna_girl/pseuds/nozenfordaddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens at the mall, stays at the mall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plum Crazy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lbilover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lbilover/gifts).



My name is Stephanie Plum, and usually I live in an apartment complex on the outer edge of Trenton, New Jersey. Or when my apartment needs a break I stay with my sometimes boyfriend Joe Morelli.The apartment I share with my hamster Rex. When I'm staying in the house on Slater Street I also have to deal with a part garbage disposal dog named Bob and a police detective who's too hot for his own good.

And mine.

That's what got me into trouble, not that he's hot - though that has gotten me into plenty of trouble over the years - but staying with him in the house on Slater Street. Or rather that I was in the grocery store in the same neighborhood as Joe’s mom. I'm not exactly what you'd call domestic and Joe usually accepts that and doesn't expect me to do the shopping but we needed peanut butter. It might not sound like much but we've broken up over peanut butter, we’ve also broken up over bread, so seeing the bottom of the jar of creamy JIF was a sign.

“It’s a conspiracy.” I complained from inside one of those changing rooms with the curtain and the flimsy walls that make you feel like you’re changing in a shoebox. “She’d already talked to my mom so I couldn’t even lie and say I was busy.”

“Angie always was a smart girl, except for the part where she married a Morelli. Joe’s the only decent one in the bunch.” Grandma Mazur piped up from the other side of the curtain. When I came out of the cubicle to check myself out in the mirror Grandma was holding up one of the dresses I was going to try on, a short black dress with intricately criss-crossed straps and eyeing herself. What she was saying wasn’t exactly true, the Morelli women were saints, all of them. The men, well the consensus among the women who knew them intimately was that we didn’t mind so much that they weren’t anything close to saintly. “Think they have this in my size?”

I tried to picture Grandma Mazur in the dress, likely with all her wrinkles and the straps she’d look like a trussed chicken.

Lula must have been thinking the same thing.

“We shoulda stopped for some Cluck in a Bucket on our way out here. Shopping makes me hungry.” Everything made Lula hungry, she was a size two with a tapeworm trapped in a size twenty-two body. I don’t think she noticed as much as everyone else did. Her hair was a kind of golden halo of curls that I think she’d meant to look angelic. The rest of her festive outfit was a pair of red hotpants over tights patterned with little Christmas trees and a green bustier under a gold lame jacket. Grandma Mazur had already asked where she could get a jacket like that.

“Why do you need a dress Grandma? You don’t have to go to the Morelli’s for dinner on Christmas Eve.” And then mass, I was pretty sure going to mass was a requirement. That was the deal Joe’s and my mom had made, Christmas Eve with his family then Christmas Day with mine. That was before Mrs. Morelli cornered me in the peanut butter aisle and invited me.

Then she had the nerve to tell me her Joey preferred Skippy.

“I got a date at the nursing home later. Horace Maxie’s this month’s hot ticket. Stone deaf but he’s got all his teeth. I don’t mind so much if he can’t hear me.” She shrugged and Lula nodded her agreement handing me the dress and shoving me back into the dressing room as Grandma continued. “I’m gonna go look at some nice new undies for the occasion.”

I didn’t want to think about my grandma getting sexy undies for a deaf old geezer so I ducked back into the dressing room without an argument.

“This isn’t my size,” unlike Lula I didn’t divide my size by two when I was picking out clothes.

"Probably you shouldn'ta ate all those cookies your mom told you to take to the them old folks." Lula's voice was muffled and I poked my head around the curtain to retort as I tried to get the dress pulled down over my hips. Possibly I had the top on wrong too since the straps were twisted funny. Lula wasn’t there, but I heard a thump from the dressing room next to mine.

"I needed those cookies way more. If I don't survive this weekend those could be the last cookies I ever eat." But now I was determined to get into the dress. I flicked the curtain closed, turned back toward the mirror to see if I could fix the straps and collided with something large, solid and smelling of sugar cookies.

“Surprise,” The something large said. I yelped, but it was a dignified yelp. Somehow six feet of blond, muscled Adonis had appeared in my dressing room -- in a Santa suit.

“Great, just what I need.” I struggled to pull down the skirt that was twisted around my hips and contemplated banging my head on the wall.

“You love it,” Diesel winked at me and grinned. “Give her a cupcake Lizzie.”

I blinked, who the hell was Lizzie, and then a small blond elfin woman (in an elf costume) peeked from around him. She was holding out a cupcake so I cared less that they’d barged (poofed?) into my dressing room.

“Thanks,” I told her taking the cupcake and taking a bite. “I’m Stephan… oh my god this is the best cupcake ever.”

“You got cupcakes in there?” Lula pulled back the curtain, her eyes went wide. “Hooboy, all I ever get at the department store is clothes, where do I find the hot hunk of man section?”

“Will you make do with a cupcake?” Diesel glanced at the woman he’d called Lizzie. “See I told you bringing the cupcakes would be a good idea.”

She rolled her eyes and pushed past him into the hallway and handed Lula a ziplock container from her bag. I watched as Lula opened it to reveal two more cupcakes and then while they were distracted turned to Diesel.

“Whatever it is the answer is no, I have enough going on in the next few days.”

“What no time to catch up? Share some wassail? Compare notes on romantic entanglements?” I couldn’t help it, I glanced at the woman who had arrived with him and who appeared to be actively not listening to our conversation.

“I’m still with Joe, mostly. I work with Ranger. My ex-husband is a jackass. Is she your girlfriend?” He grinned, and waggled those devastating brows.

“We’re in negotiations.”

“No we aren’t,” Lizzie held out another container, this one was full with a half dozen cupcakes in it and I would have taken one except about then a commotion started outside the dressing room. A woman was yelling about something and I looked at Lula imploringly.

“Tell me that isn’t Grandma...”

“I would,” Lula said taking a bite of cupcake with a shrug. “But I’m pretty sure it is, and I’m pretty sure she took my purse; so she’s packing.”

I didn’t even take the time to swear; I just took off toward the noise and hoped I’d get there before Grandma shot someone. I was lucky, depending on your definition. Grandma had cornered a deer faced man in the lingerie section and was waving Lula’s 40 caliber Glock at him. The sales girl was trying to talk her down.

“He’s a peeper, he was peepin at me looking at frilly underthings for my date. Besides he looks familiar, I think maybe he’s wanted for something.”

Normally I don’t like to feed Grandma’s paranoia but when I got a good look at the guy I realized she was right. Georgie Slocum. Personally I thought he sort of looked like Rudolf. I had paper on him. When Georgie caught sight of me (and my entourage of Santa, a cupcake carrying elf and Lula in her holiday finery) he must have decided it was a better idea to run than to stick around and he bolted. Grandma aimed.

"No," I said. "No shooting!" Grandma fired the gun like she didn’t hear me but it was a big gun, more suited for a woman Lula’s size, and it sent her flying into Lizzie who lost control of her container of cupcakes which collided with my chest.

There was a beat, a sheepish ‘sorry’ from Lizzie and then I took off after him, I don’t know why except now I was going to have to pay for the dress and frankly I couldn’t afford it without picking up his bounty.

Unfortunately I didn’t run into Georgie, I ran into Ranger, every muscled inch of him, and bounced hitting a mannequin with a thump and knocking over the display.

“Babe.” He eyed me, covered in cupcake (some of which was now on his black t-shirt) and reached down to help me up as the others skidded to a halt next to us. Coming from Ranger babe can mean a lot of things, this time it was a question I didn’t feel like answering.

“It’s a long story.”

“And we don’t got time to tell it on account of our bounty is getting away.” Lula added.

Ranger looked at her, then back at me, then over at Diesel who shrugged.

“I have nothing to do with this, except we brought the cupcakes.” This reminded me that I didn’t know why he was here. Probably that was a good thing.

“There he is!” Grandma Mazur raised Lula’s gun again and Ranger grabbed it by the barrel without missing a beat and disarmed her. I took the opportunity to grab Ranger’s cuffs and head off Georgie who was cowering behind a display of sweaters.

“Don’t worry.” The sales girl, who I had just noticed had followed us, said. “I called the cops.”

“I’ll go back to jail, promise. Just don’t let the old broad shoot me again,” Georgie said putting his hands in the air. Again? Shit. That wasn’t good, I was pretty sure Lula didn’t have a license for that weapon and Grandma wasn’t allowed to drive, I figure she wouldn’t be allowed to shoot.

Lula must have been thinking the same thing because she snatched the gun from Ranger and tucked it back into her purse before grabbing Grandma’s arm and dragging her off.

“Come on, cops give me hives and I heard they’re giving away free samples at the Hickory Farms store.”

I cuffed Georgie, he was docile enough but he complained about his arm hurting. Lizzie tied a sweater around it, and handed him a cupcake. I was starting to like her more and more.

“So?” Ranger looked amused. An amused Ranger is sort of a frightening thing.

“You want the Readers Digest version?” I asked him, putting my hands on my hips the defiance helping me not melt into a puddle of embarrassed goo. Why exactly were these things always happening to me?

“They’re going to want at least that much for the police report.” Joe’s sexy drawl made me jump and I collided with Ranger again and buried my face against his chest, he put his hands on my arms and the heat was like a kick to the gut. God he smelled good.

“Morelli.” Ranger didn’t push me away, and I heard the amusement. Diesel laughed and I heard a thump so I think Lizzie maybe hit him with her bag. Good for her.

“Ranger.” I imagined that Joe nodded a greeting and turned to face him with a sigh before they had to be nice to each other. They didn’t hate each other but they weren’t what you’d call friends. I wasn’t actually sure Ranger had friends and the only people on the shady side of the law that Joe was friends with he was also related to. Joe eyed me with a respectably straight face; standing next to him was a uniformed officer. “I was driving past and heard the call come in about a disruption in the mall, figured it had to be you.”

Of course he had, the dratted man was always showing up when I least wanted him to and looking at me like I was a tastykake and he wanted to unwrap me.

Okay so usually that last bit didn’t bother me so much.

He reached out and dragged a finger down my collarbone, through the cupcake remains, the finger went into his mouth and other parts of me woke up.

“Cupcake,” he used his other hand to tug at the neckline and peek down to see what I was (or wasn’t) wearing under it. “If you wear this dress to my mom’s she’ll make you wear a sweater to church.”

If we made it that far, I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he was thinking about ways to get out of mass and get lucky in his SUV. If I thought I wouldn’t hear about it from both our mom’s later I might let him, but I wasn’t in the mood right now.

“I have paper on Georgie here. He’s FTA, likes to steal women’s underwear.” Everyone looked at Georgie who blushed and shrugged.

“I like lacy things, not like I can buy them for myself.”

“You ever think about pretending to buy them for your girlfriend?” Diesel asked and Georgie stared at him as though that had honestly never occurred to him. Joe nodded at the uniformed officer who took hold of my fugitive.

“I’ll make sure Connie gets the receipt.” He glanced up as though asking God for patience (something he does a lot when I’m around), we were standing under a decorative ornament, and he eyed it for a second before shrugging.

“Remind me to buy some mistletoe.” Then he kissed me, right there in front of Ranger and Diesel and Lizzie. I wanted to be annoyed since we all knew he was marking his territory but boy oh boy Joe Morelli can kiss and I was sort of breathless when he let go of me so I wasn’t up to yelling. He winked, licked cupcake off his lips and followed the officer toward the front counter with the sales girl trailing behind. I looked at the others, Ranger’s face was neutral but Diesel and Lizzie were smiling.

“Hooboy,” Lizzie fanned herself. “That right there is one steaming hunk of man, he didn’t even kiss me and I think my panties combusted.”

Diesel frowned and grabbed her arm, “Time to go.”

“Wait!” I didn’t want him poofing before I got to ask him something. “You never told me what you wanted.”

He shrugged.

“Christmas cupcake delivery. Tis the season.”

“That’s all you..”

“Babe.” I looked over at Ranger when he interrupted and then when I looked back Diesel and his friend were gone. This time I figured the babe meant see you later so I wasn’t surprised when Ranger made himself scarce a few minutes later, though I caught a glimpse of him meeting up with a willowy brunette in a pair of heels I would kill for outside the store as Lula and Grandma came back.

Lula had what looked like a meat stick, half peeled with a bite out of it.

“You almost ready to go, cause all those freebies are makin’ me hungry, we need some donuts.”

“Yeah.” I started back to the dressing room and my clothes. I still needed a dress that wouldn’t get me in trouble with Mrs. Morelli but I needed a Boston Crème donut more.


End file.
